i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
