I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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