i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
