"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
