your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize