Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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