I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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