Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
