Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
