I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
