At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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