were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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