If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
