So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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