did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
