9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
