i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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