the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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