I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize