Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
