WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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