i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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