the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
