am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
