I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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