There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
