I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
