If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
