I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
