i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
