Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
