anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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