I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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