morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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