So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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