First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
