do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Randomize
