So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
