I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
be right there i have to get my cape
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
