HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
