i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
