I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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