God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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