John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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