Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Randomize
