They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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