do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
