Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
