It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Bring me that man meat
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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