remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
