I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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