Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
