I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
