Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
