Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
