New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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