my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
