maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
