I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
