Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
