We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize