I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
