I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
