so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
