Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
